Maybe if I

Listen there is a lot of things about me, and my past I say "Maybe if I did this, or said this or maybe if I didn't......" Regrets. Foolish choices, and  things even now UI wish to change about myself, or trust myself to say. like today my one and only full  free day with out James and  what am I doing? Watching aiden so "Michelle can go out with Joy".....The woman who sits on her computer all day while I clean the living room, take care of aiden and James. With no help besides her yelling at me from the couch, if she doesn't just go to sleep.......and I think to myself Maybe if I wasn't a push over, or someone with come confidence I could still be sleeping. Maybe if she didn't easily control me maybe I could tell her to fuck off when she lets aiden wake me up and then tells him I'm a meaine head cause I was sleeping, but lord for bid James wakes her up then I am supposed to punish him and grab him right away. But she can allow Aiden to hit me for at least four to five minutes before she gets him and then I'm the "meanie head"? But maybe If I didn't feel guilty for sleeping in the middle of the day, then I wouldn't apologize for everything. 

    I am just breaking slowly breaking breaking breaking. No one knows and no one cares. But I cry. I'm scared. I have no home no choices in my own life, All I am doing is what other people tell me to do. Cause I have no say. If I am talking to some one or going some where.... then I HAVE to tell her where or who or what. I have no privacy. I am running out of money cause now that I live with Shell she tells me what the house needs or what I need to buy. Great part is I moved here for better opportunities for becoming independent, but here all I am doing is basically michelles live in maid, babysitter and of course someone to be little and tell what they are doing wrong........No opportunites, like I had a job interview I had we were late, why cause she was asleep. I'm sorry but Matthew's place is better....in everything but one....

 And that Is Torsten. Shell thinks we are great and doesn't try to tear us apart. Or getting angry or something but ......now that simply is a whole other can of worms ....He and I have been edgy, arguing like we never have before since I moved here too. 

 Today was the worst one ever .......EVER this is all to much ......

To much 

Sick

   Not only is my body feeling weak, not only is my mind feeling weak, but my confidence is gone. My one time trust, love and faith for you is dwindling. I knew from the beginning of us that we would never work in a relationship, but our friendship I thought was strong. But for the last month and few weeks, you are unrecognizable to me. Dirty tricks, lying, two faced. What happened to the loyal, and hard working person I knew? Now you have forgotten you have a son, our son. Never though you could sink so low as to not care for he, who supposedly your world revolves around. Disregard what you are doing to my life, but to his? You are a shame filled creature, that I have become to despise for letting my son realize that you have found yourself a new woman and a new child that he has become second. We have always stuck together for the sake of James, I have respected you for being a father to him, but that respect is gone left is only disdain . You are a worthless man with a word that counts for nothing. Take my car, Take my freedom, Take my choice, what ever makes you  feel better. But take my son's father and hero and turned him into a worthless being and that is unforgivable. You have a crossed a line, and now it means war.

   You have taken my hope, taken my trust, taken my past and thrown it all away, like it was nothing. But I will not let you destroy me, I may be down, I maybe lost.......but I have always risen from the ashes of being burnt.For I will become stronger, I will never give up. Knock me down lower, spit and lie to my face, be selfish and shameful and watch me keep my dignity, and crush you. .............

Matthew Anthony Watson.....thank you.....

For reminding me no matter who I become, I am still a fighter......

But now it is your turn to sweat.......and loose.

Now you will meet a side of me I never wanted you to know.....

This is the end.

Of you.

The beginning of me.

Blast from my past.

When I was a scrawny thirteen year old girl, I met my first best friend. He was a solid in my life, that stayed that way for about four years. Inseparable,was a word that would describe us, like two unique souls that found companionship and comfort in each other. Days and nights we spend hours and hour ether in each others company or chatting on the phone. Watching each others backs, and sharing Lunches, and helping with homework or a bad break up. Swimming in a pool or just chilling out with each other, then the ultimate betrayal tore us apart like our connection was only a thread that was easily sliced into nothing. Sleeping peacefully in one bed while he was in another in a old club  house/ shed in my back yard, after a horrible fight with my boyfriend at the time, I needed time with my long time best friend who did everything together.  After hours of  of calming my never ending tears and making me smile with goofy antics and card games, I feel into a deep sleep and he took advantage of my body and my trust. I tried to confront him, in front of our friends and in private, wanting to know why? Why after years and years of friendship, Why did this happen? He denied it, but I knew, and he knew he wouldn't even look me in the eye and that  crushed my heart, and we were never the same. Our friends turned on me pinning me with the word: Liar, because he was such a great guy. They shunned me, I lost my best friend and with him everyone followed. I felt like the abuser and not the victim, like it was my fault I lost the only true friend, and my other friends, because of my harsh truth. 

     He moved to NY and never spoke to me again, and I was to the point to where I was glad, glad to have him gone. Taking my  hurt and shame away............

  But he asked to be my friend on face-book, I accepted it and tried to confront him again, wanting my answers, I wrote message after message, never once did I get a reply. What I didn't say is that I forgave him, and that I wanted to mend our once strong connection, and move past the one mistake that ruined our forever friendship. Because in my heart I was sure he wasn't bad, people make mistakes, some worst then others, and some more shameful then others but still a mistake, and I can always forgive one for their mistakes. But before I told him this I wanted to him to admit what he did, and apologize.

      So yesterday he tagged me in this note:

its sad when a person wakes up and they have forgotten their dreams their hopes i have forgotten my friends my loved one i forgot the way thing use to be how friends would just hang out for hours like time it self is not real the time we spent running in the rain even when we could not see 5 feet ahead of us i miss the last night talks and the early morn people at school i miss the freak and weirdo that put a smile on my face just by being there in my life i have had many friends it make me sad when i think about how apart we have grown or the prosmies i have broke i lies i have said and for the hollow person i am today  i wish things where easyer in life or go back to the way thing were ...... to my friends and loved ones i am sorry for all the time i lost if any miss the way things were then send me a messages i would love to talk to some old or even new friends or even ask me any thing and i will tell you the truth.

          So of course I jumped at my chance to get my answer. Also to find comfort in knowing I wasn't a lair, and that my accusations wasn't the reason our friendship ended, but that it was his actions. I got up my courage and typed him this message : Ihave a question. In the shed ....did you do it? I know in my heart that you did, and I have forgiven you Ethan, but I want to hear it from you. The truth. I miss you and I hate that, that the one indecent ruined our friendship that I wanted to have forever. If you feel the same please just tell me, so we can move on.

This is what I got back.

thank you so much that day i dont know what happen i know i lost contral of a dark part of me and i am so so sorry for what happen after that i was scared to even look you in the eye i run away so i could become stornger so it will never happen again and thank you most of all for forgiving me.

My heart lifted. I wasn't the lair, or the one a fault. It happened. But I feel no remorse in loosing the friends that I did. If they didn't know I wouldn't lie about something so serious, and monstrous, then they weren't true friends. So I now can move on with peace in my heart, and for getting my apology, after five long years, of everyone having their doubts, I got my proof. But I won't share it with my lost old friends, nor family, only to my xanga. Where no one can judge him nor I, the people who know the truth is you guys lol .

Ripple

  Hearing not the words that fall from your lips, but feeling the ripples of emotions the flow threw your taunt words. Losing myself in your warm breath that tickles my cheek every time you utter words that escape me. My mind is numb, and I dare not think why you provoke such a deviant emotion in me. What is it that you seek? Always a conundrum in my life, friend or antagonist? A debate that I have yet to conclude. What is it that keeps me in your never wavering site? Curiosity....perhaps, companionship? If so why such an embrace? Why such a ripple in your words? What is it that I am blinded to? I feel we are connect by some silly string, that is not taunt but not loose, it is always transforming, and I never know in to what. You seem to not know the answer judging by your forever changing emotions, and erratic actions. I fear you, not for you strength or the violence that your hands could surely cause, but from the strange ways of your words. Where do you learn the things you speak of so freely? Who was it that gave you such insight on me? Or is it the wall that I put so long ago is failing me and you can truly read why I feel? Impossible, I find myself whispering, you are no mind reader, nor have I divulged anything to you and yet you seem to know.

             Why did you come? Why did you leave? Why so angry and yet so gentle? Brush of you fingers through my hair like we have some intimate relationship that I wasn't aware of. the confusion swamps me like a suffocating fog. I wish I could read you, know what it is you truly feel, and yet you speak in quotes.

The Ramblings of a potato chip addict

  I'm 19 going on thirty five, the thirteenth of this month. I love boots, holey jeans and long hair, but at the moment all I have is holey jeans.  I much on potato chips to talk to myself, blog and read. To contemplate where my life goes from here, I'm certainly not ready for marriage or even a boyfriend , I'm a mother and do my best a that. But what of my life? Charities and mommy club isn't really a great social life, and the friends I do have I feel want more from me then companionship, I've lost so many friends this way its killing me. But I'll focus onto day and eat more potato chips tomorrow